Can He Be Friends with an Ex?
Recently my boyfriend and I pulled up to his house after going out for lunch. As I was going to turn into his driveway he told me to “hold up”.
I stopped and noticed that there was a car already pulled up near the house. When I looked closer I realized that there was a woman in the car waiting.
He stated that it looked like Candace his ex-neighbor, but he really couldn’t tell. I asked him did he want me to pull up or keep going (unbeknownst to him no matter his response, I was going to pull up).
He hesitated for a second and then he told me to go ahead and go up the driveway.
Due to his slight hesitation at that moment, I started to feel some kind of way. When we pulled up he said that it was Candace and he got out of the car.
Of course, I knew he already knew who it was before we drove up. They hugged each other and began talking. I stayed in the car for a minute, but immediately turned the engine off and jumped out of the car when I noticed she whispered something to him and he responded “yes”.
He later told me that she asked if was I his new woman and made some reference to my size (which by the way, is very close to hers).
When he introduced us, she seemed friendly enough.
Candace wasn’t rude, she didn’t seem catty or give me the side-eye (like another woman we bumped into but that’s another story for another day). She seemed like they were friends and that they knew each other pretty well.
Nothing she did (purposely) could’ve given me pause as to the nature of their relationship, except for the nagging voice in my head called women’s intuition. Something told me that they knew each other a little too well and that their relationship went beyond neighborly love.
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At one point my boyfriend went into the house to put his things away, which left us outside for a moment together. She didn’t make any huge revelation and we spoke about some security issues she was having with her phone.
He told her I was good at taking care of things, but her issue was beyond my scope of knowledge.
Thirty minutes later she left and immediately I asked him how he knew her again. I then asked if they ever dated. He took a moment to respond, but he answered that they had dated years ago.
He stated that was a long time ago, but they have remained good friends.
Okay…
All crazy ideas went through my head right then and I tried not to act like a jealous nut case. I know he has a past, we both do, but I’m more worried about the present and the future. I had to get a timeline together and it better be one I felt comfortable with.
I asked him the last time they slept together, the last time they saw each other, and how long they were together. I asked him the same questions a hundred different ways to see if I would get the same answer.
For the most part, his answers stayed consistent, but let’s be honest…consistency doesn’t always speak the truth.
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Now to give you some insight to my queasiness, let’s go back in my past a bit. One of my exes had a lot of female friends. All of those friends were women he had once dated.
This made me very uncomfortable and what I found to be true later was that he was intimate with these women during our relationship. These “friends” of his were actually friends with benefits.
This reason is most likely why I have some uneasiness about my boyfriend’s friendship with Candace.
I have an issue with men who call themselves friends with women they’ve dated in the past. I always believe that there’s always the possibility that they can rekindle their relationship at any point.
Having them around is a constant reminder that they have once been intimate, that at some they were attracted to each other and there’s a strong possibility romantic feelings remain.
I know women can get jealous and I know some compete against other women. Candace may have moved on, but who’s to say she won’t try to test my boyfriend’s devotion to me?
In my head, she might remind him of the good times they’ve shared. Though he claimed they haven’t been intimate in over ten years, who is it to say that he’s telling the truth?
Also, who’s to say that she’s not someone who he has called for a booty call when both of them were not in a relationship?
Having someone who is available and so close was making me uncomfortable.
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Over the past few days, I have mentioned Candace to him and have asked him to clarify dates for me. He has assured me that I have nothing to worry about and that he doesn’t want her, but being in a space with a woman who has carnal knowledge of your boyfriend and is on good speaking terms with him, makes me question every word and action he makes.
I really would like for this relationship to work. However, I’m not going to sit around oblivious to the fact that a mishap can occur.
Cheating happens anywhere and I believe that it’s easier for it to happen with someone who your partner is already familiar with and have been intimate with.
Meeting someone new and building a relationship takes time and effort and getting back with someone from your past – not so much.
If you find yourself in a similar situation and wondering if men can be friends with their ex, I can’t tell you that they can’t.
However, I can give you some insight of how to deal if you find yourself in my shoes. I want to make sure you’re not duped in a situation where you’re sitting at home while he and his “friend” are doing the tango between the sheets.
Here are a few tips when dealing with your partner and his female “friends”
Get educated about their relationship.
Ask all of the right questions — when did they start dating – why did they break up – when were they last intimate.
Though you may not get a 100% truthful response, you should get a sense of the nature of their relationship – past and present. There are some relationships that end because both people believe they didn’t have any true compatibility and were better off as friends.
Whereas, others would still be together if some event did not occur to break them up.
Trust your gut.
If you don’t believe your partner is being truthful, be extra cautious. You don’t want to invest your heart into a relationship where your partner is harboring feelings for another woman.
Some people date other people because the person they want isn’t available or doesn’t return their feelings. It’s true when they say “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you are with”.
I know of a situation where this man dumped his current girlfriend when his ex-wife wanted him back. She fought for the divorce and told him she didn’t love him anymore – for years right up until she noticed he had moved on.
The girlfriend felt duped because she thought they had a good relationship and spoke of getting married and having babies. She was hit with a left fielder and was distraught.
Make your feelings known and super duper clear.
Let your partner know that you’re not comfortable with their relationship and that all contact, including time on the phone, should be kept to a minimum.
Make him understand that it’s unacceptable for him to be anywhere with her alone unless they accidentally run in together at the grocery store or something. You don’t want to seem controlling, but at the same time, you don’t want anything to develop further either.
Let’s be clear, I am not speaking about relationships that involve children. Obviously, co-parenting is important, and you should encourage a healthy relationship between your partner and his ex – for the kids’ sake.
However, don’t be a fool, and be mindful of occasions that don’t include children or situations that deliberately exclude you.
You’ll have to make the decision to stay or leave, but understand you can’t make too many demands when his children are involved.
Watch his actions around her.
Your partner should do anything in his power so you’re not feeling uncomfortable and insecure about his friendship with his ex.
If he knows you get uncomfortable when she calls, he should either not answer the phone or keep his conversations to a minimum.
My boyfriend kept including me in their conversation and he discussed places we’ve been and things we’ve done together. In front of me, he didn’t minimize our relationship and he made it clear to her the status of our relationship, I still have my eyes wide open.
I know people do crazy things and that a slip-up can occur at any time. If I can help it, it won’t happen on my watch.
If you catch your partner being a little too touchy-feely, having phone conversations in another room or having too many chance meetings with his ex, you may want to end the relationship right away. It has become obvious your feelings are not a priority and that he is entertaining his ex for some reason. You deserve better.
Stop getting jealous.
Unless you’ve caught your partner red-handed, just let it be. If you want to continue the relationship with this man, you’re going to have to trust him.
You’re going to have to believe that whatever they had in the past is over. He’s with you for a reason and that there’s a strong possibility that your relationship will last longer than theirs.
You’re the one he wants to be with and if he wants her, he would have been with her or he will eventually get back with her. You can’t stop the inevitable.
But for now, he’s with you.
Also, you might realize that she’s jealous of you anyway. Making remarks about my size and references to her knowledge of specific details in my boyfriend’s life showed a twinge of envy on Candace’s part.
She knows there is something about me that he finds appealing and the possibility that he might like me more is there. Be mindful of that in your current situation.
Trust him until he gives you a reason to doubt him. And if he does, be like a basketball and bounce.
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