After dating a man for six months and only days after professing his undying love for me, he suddenly stopped calling.
For five days I called and text him with no response whatsoever. At first, I was worried, but then it became increasingly clear that he was avoiding me.
So, I became angry.
How dare he just pop out of my life without warning? How could a 40-year-old man be so immature that he wouldn’t call, text or pigeon carry a message to me that the relationship was over?
Why would you make plans of what our wedding would be like and how our children would be? Was this a cruel game he played?
I didn’t know, but I would have preferred to know from him that he didn’t want to be with me any longer.
No, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “She’s the one I want, not you”. So for the next few weeks, I spent my time crying and feeling sorry for myself. I cried when I woke up, I cried in the shower, and I cried myself to sleep at night.
I tried to keep my game face on when people asked me had I heard from him. I even tried to brush off the looks on the faces of family and friends when they realized I had been dumped and wondered if I was naive to this fact.
Then I did the worst thing ever — I reached out to him.
Not surprisingly, he apologized for leaving me and for hurting me. Of course, I acted like it didn’t bother me any, but it burned deep inside my heart.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, because even though I knew he had dumped me, actually hearing that forced me to go through the mourning process all over again.
I cried for the next two weeks.
Then one day I woke up and realized I needed to get my shit together and start acting like my old self again. So what he dumped me? It wasn’t like it was the end of the world.
I can’t be “it” for everyone and not every person is going to be honest with me. I had to stop hoping that every call or text I received was from him.
Every break-up is different and everyone heals differently from one. Below I listed the steps I took to start putting my life back together. My hope is that someone going through a similar situation will look at my actions and use them to help to get themselves back on track to a normal life.
I don’t know if most relationship experts would agree with my methods, but I know that these helped me to heal my heart.
1. Break off all communication with him.
When I finally realized he only called me to ask for booty or money, I knew it was over. Also, he never initiated contact with me and looked at me as an afterthought.
I wouldn’t even take him back anyway. I respected myself too much to go back to a man who evidently did not care enough about me to be with me.
You can not heal if he is a constant presence in your life. Block his calls. Delete his number. Avoid the places he frequents.
2. Take off of your rose-colored glasses.
I think the ticking of my biological clock and my strong desire to be married before the age of 40 forced me into temporary insanity.
The relationship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. When I really looked at it, this man was not someone I would have welcomed into my life 5 years ago or even 1 year ago.
Think of the times you shared together. If you’re honest with yourself, there were some moments in time that he didn’t treat you as you deserved or you struggled to keep the relationship together.
3. Take note of the times he lied to you.
Even at the end, he said he didn’t leave me for another woman, but it became clear (even without concrete proof) that he was lying. Once I figured that out, I knew I would never be able to trust him and that I deserved much better.
If he didn’t lie to you about another woman (or man), you may found out that he lied about other things. He may have told you there was nothing wrong when you felt in your heart that it was.
Or maybe he kept telling you he loved you and wanted to work on the relationship when his actions said otherwise.
4. Admit that there were times that you weren’t your true self.
I’m an outspoken person and I kept quiet on a lot of issues that bothered me. I feared that if I approached him about them that it would start an argument or he would shut down on me.
Lesson learned – if you can’t be your true self, then you’re with the wrong person.
Keeping your true self hidden can have him falling for the false side of you. It’s not fair to him and it’s definitely not fair to you
5. Take time to heal and share when you’re ready.
I began changing the subject when people asked what happened between us. I didn’t bad mouth him, nor did I indulge information about our relationship. It was no one’s business that I was dumped and if I wanted to discuss it, I would do so on my own terms.
Your friends and family may feel bad for you and want to help you to heal. They mean well, but some things you need to do on your own. They may not understand why you cry every night, so share only when ready – or at all.
6. Stop blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship.
But, do take responsibility for your part.
At first, I kept replaying situations in my head and tried to come up with different conclusions. If only I had said this instead or if I had only tried that sexual position, he would still be with me.
But to be honest with you, no matter what I said or did, he would’ve done the same thing. Maybe sooner, maybe later, who knows?
It’s clear he was always looking for an exit. I gave too much and received too little. A relationship takes two to work and I was a solo player.
Don’t blame yourself, but know what part you played and put in the work to do better in the next relationship.
7. Don’t stop doing the things you enjoy.
After going through my mourning period, I decided to take back my life.
I went out to the movies. I went out to eat with friends. I started taking my dog out more for walks and I continued working on my business. I was determined to be successful without him.
You have permission to be sad. You don’t have the permission to act like the world is over.
Go back to doing the things you enjoy. If you struggle to get back to the old you, consider seeing a therapist to help.
8. Look at your break-up as a blessing.
I realized I no longer had to hide my accomplishments so as not to bruise his ego. I no longer had to stay in the house when he was broke and couldn’t afford to take me out (and wouldn’t let me pay).
I no longer had to make excuses for him when he stood me up. Without it, I would have probably stayed even though I knew I deserved better. He let me go so I could be available to a man who was my soul mate.
People are put in our lives for a lesson or a blessing. You may have just learned a lesson with him.
9. Change your look.
Nothing drastic, but I changed my hairstyle which helped me to improve my confidence and get back to the sexy mama I was.
I knew that if he or anyone we knew saw me, they would see how good I looked and know I was better off without him.
Crazy, but true.
On the other hand, I wanted to look good for the next man who came my way, because he deserved a better me.
Go buy an outfit that you look hot in. Go get a facial and get that bold hairstyle you always wanted to try but were nervous to do so. Try that lipstick shade you have bed dying to put on.
Improving or changing your look could give you the confidence booster you were looking for.
10. Start dating again.
There was no need for me to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. One monkey doesn’t stop a show. Just because this man didn’t want me doesn’t mean no man will. I’ll meet the man of my dreams one day, but if it’s not today, that’s okay too.
Go get back on the horse and dust yourself off. Even if you’re not looking for a relationship, you may have the time of your life meeting other men.
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