I do not like to place time limits when it comes to matters of the heart. I know that giving ultimatums can often time backfire when one party feels they are pushed into a corner.
However, when it comes to protecting your heart and getting what you want out of a relationship, how long you should wait for commitment is important.
When women come to me and ask how long they should date a man before asking for a relationship, I tell them one thing – it depends.
Before heading down the aisle, here are 8 Things Couples Should Talk About Before Marriage.
Or when someone asks how long they should be with someone before expecting an engagement, I respond the same way. It depends.
See, how long you should wait for him to commit will depend on a variety of factors. I have seen some happy couples date for 10 years before getting married, only to divorce two years later.
I’ve also seen couples marry in less than six months of meeting and have gone on too long and successful relationships.
How Long Should You Wait for Him to Commit?
So there’s no timeline you can gauge to say when it is the right time for him to commit. Simply because the right time will differ for each person, each situation, each time period in your life.
There’s no crystal ball here because if it was, we would all be happy.
Right?
I do, however, tell women how to best gauge if the time is right for THEM. I’m not too concerned about his feelings as much as I am about yours.
This is your life and the amount of time you’re going to wait on him will depend on your end goal.
If your goal is to get married, you should date with specificity. Especially if you’re in your thirties and forties.
This means dating only marriage-minded men, men who share the same values as you, and men you can envision being good fathers to your children.
Related:
- 10 Signs He’s Not Husband Material
- 7 Ways to Cope When He Disappears from Your Life
- How to Handpick a Good Father for Your Children
Is there really a timeframe?
As for timing, let’s be realistic. If you want to have biological children and you’re in your mid to late thirties, you really don’t have that much time. I’m not trying to be crass, but mother nature is not on our side when it comes to this.
If you’re one of those women who wanted to put everything on hold to chase your career, I commend you but realize your fertility becomes an issue when trying to conceive.
I understand that sometimes the right man doesn’t come along for a while, but I’ve also seen women not out there looking for him either. It breaks my heart how many successful women out there waited too late and are not able to have children of their own.
Should you forgo your career to find a man?
No, not at all.
Women can be successful, have a career and a family. People make time for what’s important to them.
Time Depends on Your Goals
Now, if you have children from a previous marriage or don’t want children, timing is not as much of a concern. However, if you want to be married, you don’t want to waste time either. Read my article How to Find a Man When You’re in Your 30s.
If you know you want to be someone’s wife sooner, rather than later, then you need to make sure that you’re putting in the work. You can’t sit around for a man to come knocking at your door.
This is also not the time to try to change a ho to house husband. It just doesn’t work that way. You’ll either get married and be miserable or you just won’t get married.
If you are looking to get married, I’m going to give you the following timeline (even though I said I hate timelines) for you to follow.
Now, understand this is not etched in stone, and depending on a variety of factors, you may have to make some adjustments.
However, I do believe that it is a pretty decent time frame for knowing when you should ask for some type of commitment.
Related: 5 Tips to Get Him to Commit to You
Timeline to Follow
Within 3 months of dating, you should know if this is someone you see yourself dating long term.
Within 6 months (but no later than 8 months) you should know if you are dating someone you can see yourself marrying (as he should see you as being as well). You should be in a committed and monogamous relationship at this point. You may not be engaged, but you should have AT LEAST had a conversation about the FUTURE.
Within 2 years, you should be engaged (with a date set for the wedding) or married.
If you think this time frame is ridiculous, you’re probably over there still single. Look, why are you spending months or even years with someone you don’t want to marry or who doesn’t want to marry you?
What’s the issue?
Are you afraid of being alone?
I do not go by the saying “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”. It’s not fair to you and it’s definitely not fair to the person you’re with. You’re both keeping each other from people who want to be with you.
My belief is that if you want to be married, you have to put as much time and effort as you did into completing your education and building your career.
If your goal is to be someone’s wife, why are you wasting time with someone who is not ready or doesn’t want to marry you?
Objections from Men that Raise Red Flags
I always hear silly-ass objections as to why someone doesn’t want to commit or get married and I’ll give you my thoughts on each.
He’s waiting for when he can afford to buy you a ring.
I call b.s. because he’s either too broke to afford you or he’s stalling. You can’t measure love by the dollar sign. If the two of you want to be together, the size of the ring doesn’t matter. You can always upgrade later.
Now, if you are the one demanding a certain diamond size, then you may need to reevaluate why you want to get married.
He wants to pay off his bills first.
He may have too many obligations or bills he needs to get out of the way before he considers marrying you. You don’t want to get in a relationship with a man with a pile of debt, but then also maybe you should reconsider marrying him at all.
If he can’t handle his own finances, it’s a good chance he’ll wreak havoc on yours.
He’s waiting to have enough money saved up for the wedding.
This is crazy to me. I know people who have spent more money on their wedding than they make in an entire year. Who are you trying to impress? Only idiots have lavish weddings they can’t afford. You should either tone down the guest list or elope.
If you spend the first few years of your marriage paying off debt from your wedding, I promise you, it will be a short one. Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce.
The time is not right.
I.e. He’s not ready. Period. Which in my mind says he’s not ready to commit to or marry you. If that’s the case, leave him right now. Many women become frustrated after being with a man for a long time, only for him to marry someone else after they break up.
The sad, hard truth was that he was always ready to commit, just not with you. Instead of realizing that earlier, you stayed with him waiting for him to want you. In actuality, the only thing you did was provide him with sex while he waited for the one he really wanted.
If you are dating a man and want to be married, you need to be very clear of his intentions. If he’s not on the same time page as you, then you need to set a time limit for yourself and be prepared to put on your stilettos and walk.
Time is of the essence
If you wait, you’re going to miss out on your blessings to be loved and desired by someone who wants to be with you. Do you know how crazy that sounds, waiting on a man to grow to want, love and desire you?
You can find someone who knows you are the one they want to be with. You deserve to be with someone who is not just keeping you around until the right one comes along.
So the answer to how long you should wait for him to commit?
It depends.
What is your end goal and how long you are willing to wait to get there?
I hope this was helpful in your quest to be in a committed relationship with someone. I think you’re worthy of love and you should not have to wait for yourself.
If this article helped you in any way, please share it with other women who can be helped by it as well.
I never liked being alone. I’ve been lucky to find two good men. The first died in 2009. After much prayers, 3 years later I was blessed with another companion.
I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and he uses, “Marriages end in a divorce anyway”. What does that signify? Am I wasting my time ? I’m 29 and dont want to waste my life away..
If you want to be married one day, it’s a waste of your time.
Married at age 27 in 1990. What I didn’t know was my husband had a brand new baby and another on the way. He cheated the whole time we were married. I became pregnant 1992. After giving birth in Aug he left me Jan 1993. I was depressed for over 15 years. I didn’t want another relationship. In 2015 I bumped into an old friend and now we are dating. He doesn’t want to get married but I do. He has been the best man I have ever known. I’m sick about this. I had nothing before.
Depression is real and I’m so sorry you had to suffer for so long. I pray that you have finally found peace and now believe that you are worthy of mutual love and respect in a relationship and definitely a marriage. I am also happy to know that you have started dating again and met a man you love and care about. This is good practice for finding your future husband. Unfortunately, this guy is not the man for you. If you want to get married and he does not, then he is not meant for you. Period.
That’s a great article! I have a question though. I’ve been chatting into a guy via message for one and a half months (he lives interstate). Early on I asked him if he wants family and he said “I haven’t thought of that; I think meeting the right person would answer those big questions I have about family and the future ”. So we kept chatting and met face to face for the first time after chatting for almost two months. The meet up was good in some parts but also awkward (he asked me how much I pay for my place and how much some house hold items costed me; felt really strange and he didn’t really ask many questions to get to know me but he said he is a quiet person). He seemed a bit distant in body language (would often face another way) and hasn’t initiated a hug nor kiss. The goodbye was strange too because I gave him an hug and he said “see you around” and went on his way. After this date, he messaged saying he wants to see me again and I replied that I’d like it too. Since I’ve only been pursuing him as romantic interest, I wanted more certainty where we are at so said I need to know that this is heading somewhere. He replied vaguely saying he doesn’t want to be exclusive until we see each other again – “which will hopefully be soon”. Am I asking too much too soon? I guess I am not getting any certainty. His comment about family is a bit unclear, he is deciding if he likes me plus he lives far away so we can’t meet regularly.
Normally, I can tell when a guy is into me as he would text frequently and always find a reason to see me. Here, I can’t tell. He has been taking it very slow (for my liking) and it’s really hard to decipher his intentions even if he says he is attracted and interested.