When I was a freshman in college, I worked (briefly) for a successful real estate agent as her assistant. She seemed to have it all. A promising career, a nice condo, and a brand-new car. Everything I knew I wanted one day.
She also seemed to have the love of a good man. I learned nothing from her about real estate, but I learned a lifelong lesson that I follow closely today.
One afternoon I arrived to work only to witness my 49-year-old boss screaming and cursing throughout the office. Come to find out she believed one of the secretaries was sleeping with her man. Sticky since he was also the broker of the firm they both worked.
I thought I had walked right in the middle of a soap opera and I was waiting for someone to jump out with a camera. Of course, it didn’t happen and it’s a memory that lives vividly in my mind.
After my boss calmed down, she explained to me that her man just bought the secretary a car and was paying the rent for her apartment. I was baffled because if my man was paying some other woman’s bills, I would have been out the door. I didn’t know much at 18, but I knew that there was no way I would remain in that office.
I also knew that her problem wasn’t with the secretary, it was with that lying piece of…she was in a relationship with. While I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, the others in the office didn’t seem bothered by this woman’s outburst.
That should have been my sign to turn in my resignation letter, but hey, I was curious.
My boss continued to tell me how much in love she and her man were and would divulge bits of pieces of their relationship to me each day I worked. Unprofessional yes, but I was nosy and wanted to hear the gossip.
Come to find out her mother didn’t care too much for her man and they didn’t visit her much together.
Lesson Learned: If your momma doesn’t like him, then there’s usually a reason why.
It’s nice to have your parents like your significant other, but it’s not necessary. You’re the one that has to date him, not them. I also figured there had to be something wrong with him. Why else would her mother care so much?
Then the ball dropped.
She confided in me that he was married…
Married to a woman for well over 20 years.
Though I didn’t see that coming, it made the whole situation a lot clearer.
No wonder her mother didn’t like him, he was an adulterer and her daughter was the side chick. An old side chick at that.
I didn’t know what to say to her. I was not only just mad at him for cheating on his wife, but my admiration for my boss diminished quickly. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why was she messing with a married man and worst, why was she ready to fight another woman for him.
She explained to me that he was waiting for the right time to divorce his wife. He told her that he couldn’t leave his wife until he sold most of his properties. Once he did, however, he would divorce the wife and marry her.
Okay? Maybe it was an accident and after meeting my boss he realized he didn’t love his wife anymore. Possible. So I asked how long they had been together.
Eight years.
At age 18, eight years seemed like a long time. It sounded like a really long time to wait for some man to marry you.
Lesson Learned: Never wait for a man
At that moment, I began to feel so sorry for her. Not only was she heartbroken, but she was delusional. This grown woman was waiting for an event that was unlikely to occur. She had wasted 8 years of her life waiting for a man who would never leave his wife for her.
She had wasted 8 years of her life waiting for a man who was obviously unfaithful and sleeping with at least 2 other women. She had wasted 8 years of her life on a man she couldn’t even take home to momma.
I didn’t think the situation could become any sadder, but do you know what’s worse than being the side chick? Being a 49-year-old side chick.
I tell this story not just for you to feel sorry for this woman or to laugh at her stupidity, but for you to learn from it. If you have your life on hold waiting for a man to make the decision to be with you, please stop.
If you are dating a married man and waiting for him to leave his wife, don’t. If you are alone most nights waiting for your man to take you out because he’s been grinding hard at work, stop. If you’re waiting for your man to get his ish together, just leave.
Lesson Learned: You need to be a priority. Anything less is not fair to you.
Please take heed of what I’m putting down. If you keep waiting for a man, any man, you will lose valuable time and you will end up frustrated. You will cheat yourself out of being in a healthy and loving relationship.
Instead of meeting someone who wants to spend time with you and be with you, you’re at home waiting for someone who may or may not call.
I have seen too many women waste their lives waiting for men who are not available, physically or emotionally. I’ve seen women wait on a man while he goes out and have relationships with other people.
I’ve seen women wait years and years for a man to get out of jail. I’ve seen women give up their good childbearing years waiting for a man to decide if he wants to marry them or not.
It happens to the best of us. Hell, even I waited a little while for a man to get his financial house in order. I stayed home on Saturday nights and I turned down invitations from eligible men who wanted to date me.
Guess what happened?
I woke up. I was tired of being alone and I moved on with my life. It might have taken me a little while to do it, but it didn’t take a LONG time for me to do it either.
My boss stated that she had just returned to work after recuperating from a mental breakdown. Considering her boyfriend had been in her bed for 8 years, it’s safe to say he was probably the cause of her breakdown in the first place.
Lesson Learned: Confident women don’t wait for men to decide if they want them or not.
They set a timetable they’re comfortable with and leave men who aren’t ready. Jill Scott recently commented that she gives a man six months to figure out if the relationship will go anywhere. If at the end of six months, she doesn’t see any promise, she ends it. There’s no need to waste anyone’s time if the relationship is not going anywhere.
You know what, I agree with her. I’m the one who doesn’t believe in long engagements (more on why in another post). Mostly because I’m impatient, but mostly because these types of relationships don’t seem to work well for women.
So, if you are waiting for a man to make up his mind about you, make it up to him and move on. If a man is unsure of you, then he’s really not sure about you. He doesn’t want to marry you now because he’s probably waiting to see if something better is around the corner. He’s staying with his wife right now because even if he wants to leave, he won’t leave her for you.
If a man wants to be with a woman, he will. It’s just that simple. Men aren’t that complicated. If he tells you that he wants to be with you, but not right now, he’s not willing to make the effort. He knows that no matter what he does, you won’t leave. It may also mean that you’re fulfilling a need for him and he already knows you’re not the one for him.
If you’re in a situation where you’re waiting for a man to make up his mind about you, to commit to you, then you need to get yourself out of it. It’s a 99% chance he won’t change and you’ll grow old waiting on him.
Give him a little time, but give him an ultimatum. If he’s not ready when you’re ready, walk away. You deserve to be with someone who is 100% sure about you. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and will move heaven and earth to prove to you that he wants you and only you. So go find him.
Decided to move on and have your eyes set on a new man? Head over here to find out how to get him to notice you and fall madly in love with you.
Have you ever waited for a man before you realized that he wasn’t ever going to change? If so, comment below.
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49 is not old
49 is not old, but 8 years is a long time.
I’m 34 years old and am finally moving on after 15 years of being the other woman. I can’t believe I gave him all of my twenties and half of my thirties. It was hard leaving him, but it’s all about self worth. We deserve to be someones one and only girlfriend and future wife. I believed in our love for way too long. “Love” isn’t enough in a relationship like this. Once you tear that bandage off of your eyes and break things off with him, it’s an eye opener and the worst is over.
I was so scared of leaving him and breaking his heart because I still loved him so very much myself. But after 15 years of being together and talking about one day finally being just me and him, can you guess what his response to our breakup was? “I’ll leave the keys in the mailbox for you and you won’t ever see me again.” What kind of man did I just give 15 years of my life to?!
It’s never too late to stand up for yourself and your happiness. Don’t stay with him because you’re set in your ways and comfortable. Don’t stay with him because you’ve already stayed for so long. Don’t stay with him period!
I agree with you 100%. Fifteen years is a long time to give your all to someone who didn’t reciprocate. A lot of times we are only around for someone else’s comfort. Self-love is important and I am happy you finally left. It’s never too late to live your best life, either solo or with someone who loves you as much as you love them.
After a year of courtship, I was in a LDR relationship with a man for two years. He makes time to call and talk to me and would always tell me how incomplete his day if he can’t hear my voice. But it seems to me he’s commitment issues and never told his family and friends about me. One day I saw a friend suggestion in my FB bearing his and another woman’s picture in the profile. That’s when I found out that he has been living with that woman for quiet some time and had a kid together. All those wasted years being a side chick! I end the relationship and block his number. I know it hurts letting go of a man you love but I realized that I have to love and care for myself and never let it be hurt by anyone else anymore. I don’t think he is worthy of the love I gave.
Too bad you had to go through this. Thankfully you found out now, rather than later! It will hurt for a while, but you can come out of this stronger.
I have been the other woman for over 2 years now. Yes we love each other and are happy most times but I just cannot shake off the feeling that if I continue staying in this relationship, I’ll always be the other woman and miss an opportunity to be somebody else’s number 1 priority.
I don’t have to tell you, because you already know. Once you believe that you deserve to be a man’s one and only, you will leave this situationship. Once you get tired of being alone on holidays and attending special events by yourself, you’ll leave. Once you realize that this man has no intention of leaving the woman he’s with now, you’ll move on. Two years is a long time to be the other woman, however, I know women who have spent decades in that position. You deserve to be in a committed and monogamous relationship with someone who loves you and wants to be with only you.
10000% true!
All of these are true, time tested and verified!
Waited foe one man for 7 years ‘to marry me’. Dumped his sorry *ss to only learn the he married someone else within 6 (six!) month…
Waited another one for 5 yrs to commit. He did not. Dumped him too.
Found another one who proposed within 1 year. I did not even have to work hard to make it happen! Funny thing is, that those 2 kept contacting me over the years… what were they thinking? to get some more for free? Once the gravy train is gone their ego has issues to accept it. Well, deal with this! You lost a great woman – your problem not mine.
I don’t believe it takes years for a person to know if they are with the “one”. If they haven’t proposed after at least two years, sad to say, that day may not come. Sometimes, the men are not financially stable to support a wife or they may stay content in a relationship until the right one comes. I’m so happy you found someone who knows you were the one for them and that you are content. Much luck to you.
I just recently a month today, had an ephinany and realized it was time to let my husband see my strength and put him out. I’m 35 I waited through 7yrs of dating, an affair with his co worker that resulted in a son, and waiting and hoping and praying he would marry me, so one night I gave him an ultimatum I would not shack up with him another day and I would leave him in his apartment 12:00am so he told me to pick a date. I did we got married in October 2014. Beautiful dream wedding, but little did know things only got worse he lost his job , car and I held him and me down. I worked three part-time jobs then things got better for him and he did it again I didn’t know for a year or more a c worker. I found out on Christmas Eve / Christmas Day 2019. It hurt and they still continued but my heart have enough…… yet. WELL fast forward I met someone at work myself both of us in same boat and for what it’s worth.. I hope this can help someone else sometimes we cross paths with a person(s) who can shed light that everyone else close to you have been doing all along you just couldn’t see it or want to hear it…
I’m so excited you found happiness. A lot of times we allow people to treat us any which way. Most women who take a cheating man back, will be cheated on again. He knows he can do and that woman will take him back, so why not? It takes strength to leave and I’m happy you finally found yours. Good luck to you.