The Importance of Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries in your romantic relationship is simple but very important. When you set boundaries in your relationship you are in a sense teaching a man how to treat you.
It’s just that way in life. You teach your family, friends, and coworkers how to treat you by setting boundaries, so it makes sense that you have to do the same with the men you date.
For example, if you prefer talking on the phone versus texting, then you’re not going to be happy if he texts you a lot. If you say nothing, he will continue to do it. If you tell him in the beginning that you prefer to have phone conversations, he’ll either start calling more or step back.
Related: What It Means When He Doesn’t Call
Another reason to set boundaries in your relationships is that failing to do so can cause resentment and be a major cause of a breakup. If one of your expectations in a relationship is quality time, you’ll be upset when you don’t receive it.
People’s work and life schedules can get in the way. That’s understandable. However, people make time for what they really want. If your partner works or travels a lot, but won’t make time for you, then that’s a problem. It’s a bigger problem if it bothers you, and worse if you’ve never discussed with them how it does.
If your partner fails to meet your expectations, but you failed to set the boundaries in your relationship in the beginning, you’ll be frustrated and unfulfilled in your relationship.
How to Choose and Enforce Boundaries in Dating Relationships
Having a successful and long-lasting relationship can be made possible if you set and enforce boundaries in the beginning stages of your relationships with men. All relationships have boundaries. Some boundaries are discussed, others are assumed, and some are only discovered when they’ve been crossed.
The problems occur when boundaries are either not set or not enforced. If you expect your boyfriend or husband to spend weekends with you, but you haven’t discussed this with him, there’s really no reason for getting upset.
Boundaries are a way of assuring that your needs are met in a relationship. They are also a way of assuring that your values and expectations aren’t violated. Boundaries can preserve your privacy and independence.
Everyone has boundaries, but few people have the same boundaries, and that’s why it’s so important to set the boundaries in your dating relationship.
Areas to Set Boundaries in Relationships with Men
There are no clear-cut rules on how to set boundaries in relationships. Depending on your personality, expectations, and what you’re willing to accept, you’ll find that there are no specific boundaries for your relationship.
What works for you may not work for the next woman. In fact, your own boundaries may not work with every man you’ll date. You may find that you may have to revise your boundaries or find that you and your partner are comprised on a different set of boundaries.
Financial Boundaries
Who is going to pay for what? How much will you spend on birthdays and Christmas? How much is too much? Should everything be split 50:50? Does the man pay for everything? Does the person with the larger salary carry the brunt of the load?
There are no right or wrong answers, as long as both parties are in agreement. I expect my boyfriend to pay for most of our dates. He’s older and makes more than I do, so he doesn’t mind. My son who is in his 20s, splits most of the dates with his girlfriend. He says she insists on it.
Determining what you’re comfortable with, in the beginning when it comes to finances is very important. It’ll become a bigger issue when and if you all move in together or marry later.
Work-Life Boundaries
Does work always take precedence? Should a career-minded partner be willing to skip working evenings to spend time with the other person? For some people, work is an unnecessary evil that funds the rest of their life. For others, it is their life.
If you’re a workaholic and your boyfriend is a straight 9 to 5er, then you all may bump heads when it comes to spending quality time together. He may be willing and available, but you would prefer to get your grind on.
Making a compromise will work best, but both partners have to make the effort. If you don’t, or your work schedules don’t allow you all to spend time together, then the relationship won’t work. If it does, one partner will be resentful of the other because of it.
Sexual Boundaries
Some people like to keep it conservative, while others prefer to dress up like a Martian and swing from the chandelier. Everyone has a sexual limit, and it’s rare that two people have the same limits. A lot of drama can be avoided by understanding what your partner will and won’t do.
It’s also important, to be honest with yourself what you are willing to accept. If you’re not comfortable with certain positions or sharing your bed with others, make sure to share your feelings surrounding sex early on.
It’s common to find couples who not only have varying sexual drives but never discussed how much (or little) sex is important to each one of them. Doing so will keep both of you happy and satisfied.
Past Relationship Boundaries
Some people insist on dissecting their partner’s past. Others believe that the past is irrelevant and should stay in the past. What are you willing to reveal? What do you want to know?
Be wary of someone who doesn’t want to discuss their past relationships or worse, blames their exes for everything that went wrong in their relationship. No one is perfect and it takes two to tango. If a relationship didn’t work, then both people were responsible to some degree on why it did not.
Ask questions about past relationships, especially the most recent ones. Doing so will give you insight into the types of relationships he was involved in and any commonality of his exes.
Family Boundaries
How involved do you want your boyfriend or girlfriend with your family? Do you want them to come to the family barbecue? Or do you want them to keep their distance? Is it okay for your boyfriend to call your mother or sister for advice about your relationship?
In this day and age, most people come into dating relationships with children. Discussing your boundaries surrounding your children and other family members is very important in having a successful relationship.
If you have children from a previous relationship, how do you want to include the children in your new relationship? Have a discussion with your partner and come up with a plan on how you will incorporate your children into your relationship (or when you’ll be comfortable in doing so).
Friendships
Do you want your new girlfriend to spend time with your friends, or should she stay away for the first six months? Are your friends now his friends by default, or should he go somewhere else if he needs a friend?
You may want your boyfriend and friends to become besties, but this is not always possible. You love each of them for different reasons and the way you mesh will them may not be how he fits with them. Discuss if each of you will be allowed to spend time on your own with your respective friends or if you’ll both do the couples thing.
Time Boundaries
How much time will you spend together? Are Friday nights expected? Is it unacceptable not to communicate for a week? How much time together is too much? Maybe you only want to see your boyfriend once a week.
Some people speak with their partner every day and sometimes multiple times a day. Other couples may not speak to each other for days at a time, but still, have a healthy relationship. What is acceptable to both of you concerning how much time you give each other is important.
Weekends and Vacations Boundaries
Is spending the night together too domestic for you? Should weekends be reserved for each other? Do you vacation with your friends without your new romantic partner, or do you take them along?
This is easy when both partners have similar work schedules and live pretty close to each other. It becomes a little more complicated if one partner is across the country or if both work different and extreme schedules.
Having a conversation about what is acceptable when it comes to determining where weekends, vacations – and even holidays, will be spent, will make or break a relationship. If you have a big social circle, whereas he doesn’t, will he be irritated when you’re not available to him? Something to consider and may involve pulling out the calendar and marking specific dates together.
Dating Others
In the early stages of your relationship, do you like to continue playing the field, or just stick to one person? Some people prefer open relationships even after they’ve been together for years.
Most men will continue to date other women, especially at the beginning of the dating phase. This is normal and is encouraged for everyone to do. If you expect monogamy after you’ve been together for a while, then this is a discussion you need to have with your partner.
It is baffling how some women will date a man for a year and ask them the status of their relationship, only to get a response like “we’re going with the flow”. That’s not a good feeling to have, but if you never discussed with them your expectations, then you really can’t expect anything different.
Clear Boundaries = Healthy and Happy Relationships
Discuss your boundaries with your dating partner. It’s unfair to expect someone to follow a boundary that you’re keeping a secret. Relationships require communication. Why leave anything to chance? Let the other person know what you expect.
Be prepared to enforce your boundaries. When you are tolerant of your boundaries being crossed, you can safely assume it will happen again. When someone regularly fails to respect your boundaries, it’s a sign that you’re with the wrong person.
It’s just as important to understand the other person’s boundaries and respect them. If you’re both on the same page, you have a better chance of enjoying a healthy relationship.
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