Are you and your partner contemplating marriage?
Maybe he just proposed or has the topic of marriage been at the forefront of your relationship for a while now?
Whatever it is, understand as much as marriage is a matter of the heart, there are a lot of issues to consider before you say “I do”.
No matter whose statistics you use, the odds of success in marriage aren’t great. However, there are ways to put the odds in your favor, and one way is by knowing your partner as well as possible beforehand.
Something a lot of people fail to do.
If you’re hoping to have a long and successful marriage, here are 8 things you should consider discussing while you’re still getting to know each other.
The conversation always starts with Ready for Marriage Dating. Ensure your partner is marriage material with these questions.
Topics You Should Discuss with Your Partner Before Marriage
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Children
Not everyone wants kids. This is even truer today than when your parents got married. With more women in the workplace, some don’t want to have to quit or slow down their career paths to have children.
This may be true for some men as well. Besides, children are expensive and you will be responsible for them for at least 18 years.
Not everyone wants to have children and that’s okay.
Beyond the question of if both of you want kids or not, there are other issues to consider.
- What will you do if you are unable to conceive? Are you willing to adopt if necessary? Do you prefer to adopt than give birth?
- Who will take care of the kids? Will one of you quit your job to stay home while the other supports the family?
- Will you get a nanny or use daycare? Is there a family member who can care for the children while you work?
- How many children do both of you want? Some people prefer one or two children, while others love having four or more.
- Will your children go to public or private school? Can you afford the neighborhood with the best schools for your children? How about homeschooling your children?
- How will you discipline your children? How strict will you be? This is also the time to discuss how each one of you was disciplined when growing up.
Finances
Most people don’t think talking about finances is sexy. Let me tell you this. Failing to bring finances up before you get married can make or break your relationship.
How well your marriage will prosper will depend on more than one of you being the saver while the other is the spender. Before you get married discuss with your partner, sit down with him, and lay all your cards on the table. Discuss income, savings, credit score, assets, etc.
Marriages where there’s a balance between the two, work best, so make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. You don’t want to be blindsided if your new husband has a gambling addiction that you were unaware of.
Some finance issues to cover before marriage:
- How much will you save? Is one of you a big spender? Are both of you on the same general page when it comes to handling money? If not, will you be able to compromise?
- Do you or your partner have a lot of debt? Will that person handle that debt themselves, or do they want, need, or expect help with it?
- How will the bills be split? 50-50? Or will the bigger earner pay a bigger percentage of the bills?
Related: 5 Ways to Know He’s Interested in You
Long-term goals and plans
The people we are today are a lot different than we were 10 or 20 years ago. We will be even more different 10 or 20 years from now. Discussing your long-term goals and plans with your partner will help to determine if you’ll still be compatible with each other down the road.
Marriages that end after 20 or so years are not by accident. Often one spouse has “outgrown” the other. Now that the children are gone, there’s time for each person to live their best life.
Do you want to live in the country, have five kids, and be a homesteader? Your future spouse may not. Your future spouse may want to live in the city and go out to a fancy dinner every night at 9 PM.
Questions to ask your partner before marriage
- Do you want the same things and the same lifestyle?
- Do you both want to travel around the world or are you happy with one or two vacations a year?
- Do you want to remain in the same town you grew up or do you want to chase your career across the country?
Religion
I often discuss the importance of religion in relationships. Compatibility goes beyond if someone likes to go to church every Sunday. Finding solace will depend on how you worship (or not) together.
Do your religious beliefs mesh? Is he an atheist and you are a devout Jew? Maybe you are happy going to church a few times a year, whereas he gets the pleasure of going every Sunday?
Will you celebrate Christmas or fast for Ramadan?
Determining where each of you stands will help you to determine if you are compatible for the long haul.
Religion will play a huge role in how you interact with each other’s families, especially at family events, and how you raise your children.
Questions to ask before getting engaged
- Will your marriage be faith-based?
- Can you find a middle ground that works for both of you?
- Will you alternate churches each week?
- Will you find a church that works for both of you?
- Does one of you hate going to church? How will you handle that?
- What faith will you raise your children in?
- Are there roles women and men are expected to fill as a married couple?
Responsibilities
Most of us may have grown up in households where men and women held traditional gender roles. Many of us did not.
And if you did grow up in a traditional home where the man did all the yard work and the woman cooked and cleaned, do you want to now?
Or maybe you’re in a same-gendered relationship where you both have your own expectations as to how your home and life will be taken care of.
Don’t assume that because he’s a man he knows how to change a tire or mow a lawn. He may expect you to do it while he cooks and cleans the house. Make sure you all figure this out before you walk down the aisle.
No need to become frustrated when he finds out that you don’t know how to boil an egg and is a little iffy on cleaning up the house.
Related: 7 Ways to Cope When He Disappears from Your Life
Some things couples should talk about before marriage regarding responsibilities
- Will one of you take care of the house while the other does the outdoor chores?
- Will the both of you split all the work right down the middle?
- Is one of you going to have a job while the other stays home?
- Who will pay the bills each month?
- Who will do the shopping or taking the cars in for service?
Personal Space
Do you want to go to the gym twice a week without your spouse? Do you and your best friend go to the movies every Saturday afternoon? How much personal space does each of you want and need?
Once you become married, you become a partnership. Any decisions you make for your social life have to be dependent or contingent on someone else.
You may enjoy having some alone time, whereas your spouse may want you to hang with them and their friends every weekend. Discuss now the expectations and determine if you’re comfortable with them or not.
Secrets
It’s better to get all the secrets out before getting married. You want your soon-to-be spouse to be honest with you, however, you will have to be honest with them as well.
If you want complete transparency, then you must be willing to give it yourself. This means you will have to divulge secrets you may be ashamed of.
Now if you feel your partner isn’t being honest with you or that they may be hiding something, you will have to make up your mind what to do.
I know people who have children and marriages they never told their partner about. Some questions to ask your partner before marriage are “Have you ever been locked up?” or “Have you ever had sex with someone of the same gender?”
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Strange and possibly difficult to ask, but necessary.
You could do a background check, but you will also have to figure out if you spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t be honest with you. I feel that it’s only fair to let the person know the truth and then allow them to decide if they want to be with you or not.
Secrets can be big or small. Here are a few issues to consider.
- Bankruptcies, huge debts, wage garnishments, and legal actions related to financial issues. These will negatively affect you when you get married.
- Criminal legal troubles. Stalking, murder, drunk driving, child abuse, and any other legal issue that would give you or your partner concern.
- Negative habits. Drug addiction, gambling, excessive use of porn, excessive spending, and so on. I’ve discussed addictions before and unless the person wants help, you’re not going to be able to do anything. In fact, your life may suffer because of it.
- Past pregnancies. An uncle in the mob. Alien abduction. And anything else you think your partner might want or need to know about.
Sexual compatibility
I left sexual compatibility last on this list because it is an important issue that is often overlooked – but it shouldn’t be. Being sexually compatible with your partner and definitely, your spouse is.
Are your libidos on the same level? If not, how will you compromise? If you’re not on the same page in the bedroom now, it’s not going to get any better when you get married.
If you have decided to wait until marriage (I strongly recommend against this unless it’s for religious reasons), having a conversation about your expectations and desires is imperative. This is when you will find out if one of you is more interested in more plain vanilla activities; and if the other one likes to swing from the chandelier?
Ask a lot of questions. Don’t be embarrassed. No marriage is happy if one or both people are sexually frustrated.
You learn a lot about your potential spouse by asking questions. Ask your partner every question you can think of. Here are a few additional questions to get you started.
Create a list of about 100 questions (turn it into a game) that you will ask each other. You can learn a lot about a person based on their responses.
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Though the answers may not tell you everything you need to know, these questions will help you to learn more about their character and their suitability as your life partner
More questions to ask before you get married
- What would you do if you found a stray puppy or kitten at the front door?
- What would you do if you found a bag of $1,000 in the woods?
- Would you commit a crime if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?
- Would you ever have sex with two or more people at the same time?
- Would you rather be a lion or an eagle? Why?
- What historical person do you most admire? Why?
- Have either one of your parents had an affair?
- What political party do you align yourself with most?
- Where in your career do you see yourself in the next 5 years? 10 years?
- Where in the world would you like to live?
- How were you disciplined as a child?
- Do you prefer to live in the suburbs or the city?
- What fantasies do you have surrounding marriage?
How well do you know your partner? Not as well as you could, unless you’ve put a lot of effort into it.
It’s great to be excited about the future, but not at the expense of being well-informed. Learn everything you need to know about your partner before getting married. You’ll be glad you did!
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